Friday, July 4, 2008

Hardest post ever...

This is the hardest post I think I will ever type-but I feel I need to let you know...

On Tuesday, June 24 my world was turned upside down. I recieved a devasting call from my agency. I lost the referral of my beautiful Janie. There are lots of questions, and unfortunately not a lot of answers. Apparently there must have been some issues with her Vietnamese investigation and the orphanage director decided to take her referral and re-assign it to a non-American family. She is now going to a French Family. My only guess is that something would not have "passed" thru the US I600 process but it would with the French Government guidelines. I understand and I respect all the decisions made but it is so hard to wrap my brain around...

I am crushed. I am devastated. I am empty. I have emotions and feelings that I just don't know how to explain. I have completely fallen in love with this little girl. My heart KNEW she was mine. I don't know how to let her go. I don't think I ever can....Should I remove her pictures? I can't! Should I pack away her clothing? I can't. Should I try to stop thinking about her? I can't.

I can't get past that I will never hold her, see her smile, hear her laugh, wipe her tears. I will never meet her. I can't imagine that. She is the first thing on my mind each morning and the last thing before I fall asleep. And, she is in my thoughts every moment in between.

I am grateful that she will be adopted by a loving family and not spend her childhood in an orphange. I just can't believe she won't be with me. Every September 22 I will think about her birthday. Every March 7 I will remember seeing her face for the first time. And, every June 24, I will remember the heartbreak of losing her.

I have lost grandparents, friends, and students. But this is by far is the hardest loss I have ever suffered. I know God has a plan for me and He knows who my daughter is. My head knows that--my heart is just having a hard time feeling it.

My agency says I am "next on the list" for an infant girl. And while I am grateful to that, I am also full of worry. I worry tremendously about the September 1 deadline. I worry that if I get another referral, will I love her the same? I'm sure I will, it is just hard to picture any other baby! I want time to greive, to take a step back from it all--but I can't. The clock is ticking....and each passing day the hope seems to fade and fade and fade.

Please join me in prayer for that precious little baby girl! I hope she has a wonderful life and becomes the woman that God intends. She is loved from all over the world. I will love her everyday. My family will love her everyday. My friends will love her everyday. I will miss her everyday.....

I kept her photo private and not on this blog. Here is the beautiful little face that I have lost....



May God bless you Janie! I will always love you.....

11 comments:

Cara said...

I just recently found your blog. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll say a prayer for her, and you. I hope you get a new referral soon.

Miles' Mama said...

I'm so very sorry this had to happen. This is beyond devastating, and I'm sure you must be crushed. My prayers are with you at this difficult time.

kristin said...

i'm so, so sorry to read this awful news. the heartbreak has to be unbearable... you are in my thoughts.

Sharon said...

Oh dear lord! I am so sorry that you lost your baby girl. Even though you will be getting another referral, I believe you will love the new child just as you would love a 2nd or 3rd child. It isn't more or less, it just has its own special feelings that are yours and yours alone. I hope your next referral comes soon. Bless you, my dear. . . .

Martha said...

I am very sorry for loosing Janie. We all love her already. I am sure that there is always a reason for things to happen. The last thing that you can loose is HOPE. I hope that a new referal comes soon. I believe you will give her the same love you keep for Janie. God bless you!!!

The Pence family said...

I am so sorry!!
I do know your pain, and can completely understand what you are going through. If you would like to, my email is hetherpence@yahoo.com.
It really does help to talk to someone who understands your pain, and is going through the same thing.

Charlene said...

My heart is breaking for you and with you - I know that you had planned the whole rest of your life around being a mother to this sweet baby girl. I have searched my brain for words of comfort to ease your pain even just a little bit but no exceptional words of wisdom have come to me. I think you already know that God has a plan for you and this child as well as a plan for another little child that also needs a terrific mom. Although I am not an especially religious person I do think that God is holding your hand right now through this saddest of times and will walk you to the right place at the right time. Good things WILL come your way, but in God's time - be patient and know that we all love you and mourn this loss with you. You have the strength to get past this- be strong and patient but most of all- keep the faith!

Leslie & Shaune said...

oh i am so very sorry. there are no words. i'm heartbroken for you.

The Gregs said...

I cannot imagine how you are feeling. God bless you.

dwayne and melanie said...

I am so sorry and at a loss for words. I haven't checked in on you for a while and now I wish I had. God has a plan for you and for little Janie. I will be praying for peace for you and that you will find some hope in the midst of this heartache. You are in my thoughts and prayers that God will help you through this most difficult time.

Kristin said...

I'm so sorry...I'm just now catching up on my blogs since our return to the states, and I am devastated for you. I hope you hear some good news soon, although I know you'll never forget this sweet girl's face. You'll be in my prayers!!