I refuse to give up....

Each passing day moves me closer to Sept. 1. Gosh, what a dreaded date that is! I really only have 2 slim chances of completing this adoption:
1. I receive another referral and by some miracle the referral is made "official" before Sept. 1
2. An agreement is reached to "grandfather" all of us logged in by July 1 to complete an adoption

Both seem pretty unlikely.....BUT, I refuse to give up hope or lose faith. God can move mountains! If this is meant to be, it will happen!! I have to believe that

The DIA in Vietnam recently stated their intentions to have 50% of the logged in dossiers (some 1,700 American dossiers total) receive "official" referrals by Sept. 1. You do the math--that is approximately 800 families!! While that would be great and I admire the DIA for being so optimistic--I just can't see where it will actually happen. Are the orphanges/provinces even still giving referrals to American families....it really seems to have slown down.

After losing my referral (exactly 1 month ago today) I was told I was "next on the list". That is great, but if the orphanges/provinces are reluctant to refer to American families, I might as well be "last" on the list.....

Oh, I'm getting negative again...that is what happens to me all day long-every day. One minute I am positive and full of hope and then the very next minute I am negative and full of worry and doubt.

Please God, let this happen! I can only trust in your plan for me....

On another note: I am updating my homestudy. Kind of weird, huh? My paperwork expires in November and it is time for me to resubmit my paperwork to USCIS for my 1 time free extension. So, I need my homestudy updated. It almost feels like a waste of time, but if I do happen to get a referral I don't want ANY reason for this not to happen! I want everything on my end up-to-date!! If anymore delays happen, I certainly don't want it to be something I could have fixed!!!

How do you say thank you?

I cannot say thank you enough for all of the support I have gotten over the past 2 weeks. My family has been wonderful, my friends have been wonderful, and my blogging buddies have been wonderful. It is truely amazing how many people care! It really does mean so much to me.

Most importantly, it means so much to know how much God cares! I know that He knows my plan and He knows what is right for me. I trust in Him fully that I will be lead down the right path.

When I begin to worry and/or get angry, I feel His presence. I know that He is guiding me in the right direction.

I love you all so much....thanks for all your support!!

Hardest post ever...

This is the hardest post I think I will ever type-but I feel I need to let you know...

On Tuesday, June 24 my world was turned upside down. I recieved a devasting call from my agency. I lost the referral of my beautiful Janie. There are lots of questions, and unfortunately not a lot of answers. Apparently there must have been some issues with her Vietnamese investigation and the orphanage director decided to take her referral and re-assign it to a non-American family. She is now going to a French Family. My only guess is that something would not have "passed" thru the US I600 process but it would with the French Government guidelines. I understand and I respect all the decisions made but it is so hard to wrap my brain around...

I am crushed. I am devastated. I am empty. I have emotions and feelings that I just don't know how to explain. I have completely fallen in love with this little girl. My heart KNEW she was mine. I don't know how to let her go. I don't think I ever can....Should I remove her pictures? I can't! Should I pack away her clothing? I can't. Should I try to stop thinking about her? I can't.

I can't get past that I will never hold her, see her smile, hear her laugh, wipe her tears. I will never meet her. I can't imagine that. She is the first thing on my mind each morning and the last thing before I fall asleep. And, she is in my thoughts every moment in between.

I am grateful that she will be adopted by a loving family and not spend her childhood in an orphange. I just can't believe she won't be with me. Every September 22 I will think about her birthday. Every March 7 I will remember seeing her face for the first time. And, every June 24, I will remember the heartbreak of losing her.

I have lost grandparents, friends, and students. But this is by far is the hardest loss I have ever suffered. I know God has a plan for me and He knows who my daughter is. My head knows that--my heart is just having a hard time feeling it.

My agency says I am "next on the list" for an infant girl. And while I am grateful to that, I am also full of worry. I worry tremendously about the September 1 deadline. I worry that if I get another referral, will I love her the same? I'm sure I will, it is just hard to picture any other baby! I want time to greive, to take a step back from it all--but I can't. The clock is ticking....and each passing day the hope seems to fade and fade and fade.

Please join me in prayer for that precious little baby girl! I hope she has a wonderful life and becomes the woman that God intends. She is loved from all over the world. I will love her everyday. My family will love her everyday. My friends will love her everyday. I will miss her everyday.....

I kept her photo private and not on this blog. Here is the beautiful little face that I have lost....



May God bless you Janie! I will always love you.....